An Unsolicited Review of MC Hammer's, "Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em"

In May of 2020 for some reason I relistened to 1990s “Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em”. For some reason here is a scattershot review of an album I had when I was a kid, listened to a lot but now barely remember. (Collected from my Twitter thread at the time.)

Track 1. “Here Comes the Hammer”

• As funky as I remember. Cool.

Track 2. “U Can’t Touch This”

• Heard it. We’ve all heard it. At this point, what can I say?

Track 3. “Have You Seen Her”

• Terrible. Just awful.

Track 4. “Yo!! Sweetness”

• How many times did he sample Rick James? Not bad. 90s as fuck.

Track 5. “Help the Children”

• The opening is creepy. It stays pretty creepy. Positive message. Lame, musically speaking. Why the creepy whispering throughout?!

Track 6. “On Your Face”

• Why am I doing this? Can I stop doing this? Who is this for? This is background music for an infomercial.

Track 7. “Dancin’ Machine”

• I remember really liking this song. It remains enjoyable. Mildly embarrassing however.

Track 8. “Pray”

• I remember this song but I don’t. Child atheist Paul apparently wasn’t as outraged as adult atheist Paul. It’s catchy though.

Track 9. “Crime Story”

• Weirdly awkward like something Blizzardman would rap, but it’s also catchy.

Track 10. “She’s Soft and Wet”

• The title of this song is just as creepy today as when it came out. Not too bad, kinda funky, but also kinda just there. Average-ish.

Track 11. “Black is Black”

• Probably the most intense track. Again kind of awkward however. The production is there on all of these but it’s a generally awkward album. Just a victim of 90s synth?

Track 12. “Let’s Go Deeper”

• Instantly funky-cool. Good dance tune. Solid.

Track 13. “Work This”

• Same as “Let’s Go Deeper”. If the album was more focused on this type of thing it would be better overall.